“I’m Back Baby. I’m Back.”

I don’t even know where to start….But, I know I just have to start.

Sitting down to write this post is actually much harder than when I wrote my first post (back on October 27, 2011). Something takes over when you keep procrastinating. It’s called paralysis. Paralysis of your life. Well, in this case, my life.

I’m talking about putting your life on hold. I’ve had a lot of hot mess this past year and a half. A shit-load of hot mess mixed in with some depression.

I’d love to be able to tell you that I’ve been off somewhere trying to figure out how to bring down ISIS (a là Carrie Mathison), or I’ve been on location while my worldwide best-selling book is being made into a multi-million dollar blockbuster movie (just like my “Fifty”; I had to do it Poppers), or that I’ve been living on a top-secret government base helping to map out our future colonization of Mars…but none of that would be true. I am really envious of anyone actually doing those things though.

Unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with mundane personal issues, that one might categorize as a mid-life crisis, but I prefer to think of it as a crisis of spiritual health and identity. I am totally going to get into my New Agey spirituality (something I’ve always been, only now it’s amplified, like my energy ;)) but, not now.

Now is about my struggle with writing. These past 22 months (okay it’s been a little longer than a year and a half) have been wrought with one constant thought; “I need to write….” Okay, that…along with, “Don’t eat that piece of pizza” and “You must work-out today,” have been my mind’s consistent stream of consciousness.

I think we know that I haven’t been able to write a damn word until today. So, let me just say, “Writer’s block sucks. Like, really sucks.” And, if anyone thinks writer’s block is a bunch of bullshit, (something akin to Tom Cruise’s declaration that postpartum depression has “no science behind it”) I’m here to tell you it is most certainly not bullshit. It is very real, and, again, it really sucks.

Oh Tommy.

Today show co-host Matt Lauer revealed which A-list actor was his most awkward interview ever during a Q&A on his official Facebook page on Tuesday, June 10 Credit: Virginia Sherwood/NBC NewsWire/NBCU Photo Bank (www.usmagazine.com)

Not only wasn’t I able to write, but I couldn’t read anything until about a week ago. You guys know that reading to me is like drinking water. A basic need. So, the inability to focus on a book, much less a word in a book, was driving me crazy, anxious and grumpy. Like “Grumpy Cat” grumpy.

Would you believe this kitty is worth an estimated $100 million? (People.com) That is some pussy…cat. Such a dirty mind.

Almost weekly, the boys have been trying to light a fire under my tush, especially Jake. Our talks go something like this:

“Mom…you really need to start writing again. And, when was the last time you picked up a book?”

I’m thinking, “no, shit kid,” but I say, “I know. I know. I know.”

Jake retorts with, “But, when are you going to do it?”

“Soon Jake.”

“What’s soon?” He asks with his arms folded and his foot tapping away. “Huh?”

“Please go watch TV, or play a video game. I promise I’m going to start writing soon.” And, a big sigh of relief when that little punk finally stops his inquisition.

“Mom, Don’t talk. I’m thinking about things you can write about.”

Do you think there is something wrong with this picture? I’m telling my 9 year old to go watch TV and he’s telling me to write and read. Mother of the year award.

In my quest to find inspiration, the discipline to write, and my creative Chi, I hauled my cookies to a Native American spiritual retreat (and spa…I’m not going to lie to you…I had some amazing massages) in Sedona, Arizona. By myself. For four nights. Without anyone. No kids. No husband. No dog. Seriously amazing.

Only, my creative Chi was still blocked, and I was getting frustrated with my frustration, thus creating more internal anxiety that I couldn’t write. Sort of counter-intuitive to the whole trip. I did, however, get my cards, as in Tarot, read through 2015, along with a very detailed two year astrological chart done. Nothing has come to fruition, except for the prediction that I’d be orgainzing my home around the months of February and March of 2014. My containers are now contained.

Okay…the Native American retreat (and spa) didn’t work. So, I continued with my weeky accupuncture appointments, and hoped that would get the Chi flowing. I get an hour on that table. An hour of quiet, peace (except when I forget to turn my phone off), and vibration. Not that kind of vibration. I’m talking about feeling my energy moving and vibrating when the needles hit the right meridian points. I even brought Jake and Sam to my accupuncturist. They were totally into it.

Sam is getting the needles and Jake is lovin’ it.

There’s only one problem. It never seemed to stick. I felt great on the table, but once I got home, I still couldn’t concentrate long enough to write more than an e-mail or text. Around 2 months ago, I fell out of my accupuncture routine, and guess what? I’m writing this post right now.

I also schlepped to this crystal and meditation store in Nyack, where I bought about $200 worth of crystals to jump-start my creative thinking (Rainbow Moonstone), aura stabilization (Fluorite), release of fears (Orange Calcite), balance (take your pick of crystals), spiritual awareness (Amethyst), relief of stress (Amethyst), an increase in my inner power and strength (Lapis Lazuli), dissolution of any problems standing in the way of achieving my best potential (Orange Calcite), and self-love (Pink Calcite and Rose Quartz).

Can you feel it?

They’re literally placed all around my house, by my bed, in various corners, and in the boys’ rooms. I love my crystals. I meditate with them, and carry a different one with me everyday. It can’t hurt. Right?! Plus, they’re really pretty to look at.

I guess what I’ve been trying to say, is that no matter what I did or tried, nothing was going to get me writing again until I was ready to sit down and actually write. And, I think that’s pretty much true of anything. People can tell you to exercise, eat right, get a different hairstyle, tell someone how you really feel, or to just relax…but, if you’re not ready to do any of those things, and you don’t feel “it” inside of yourself, you’ll never do it.

So, today on January 22, 2015, after 22 months of very frustrating writer’s block, I started writing again. For 5 hours, I sat in my local deli, Lange’s, with my pink laptop (yes, it’s pink) up and running, drinking an extra large cup of coffee, and feeling pretty proud of myself that I was finally ready to “just do it”.

In the spirit of mydailypill’s original inspiration, Seinfeld, I quote one George Costanza, “I’m back baby. I’m back.”

What have you been trying to start?