Bitch

Warning: This is a rant!

She is such a bitch! I know I’ve complained about Murphy plenty of times, but I’ve just about had it with her shenanigans. My People magazine came on Friday and it was totally decimated. She shredded the fucking magazine. And, I really wanted to read about Adele before the Grammy’s. G-d dammit.

The mailman is terrified of her and won’t even push my mail through the door-slot unless he hears my voice saying, “It’s okay, I’m here, go ahead.”

I sit there, like an idiot, waving the mail in front of her face, in an effort to de-sensitize her to “the mail.” It hasn’t worked. She bows her head down, gives a yelp, starts backtracking and runs away. I’m sure I’m enabling this neurotic response by doing that, and unwittingly creating a Pavlovian reaction. But, what the hell?

There is a doggy shrink in her future because I literally can’t take it anymore. I’m taking recommendations, if anyone has them. I’m so not kidding.

Take a look at the evidence:

Just a little taste of what I'm talking about. This is mild compared to her normal destruction.

Sam has started to hide his homework for fear that Murphy will actually eat it. I always thought that excuse, “My dog ate my homework” was totally ridiculous. Well, I have a new perspective on the statement. It would appear to be not so far fetched.

Bitch.

I know. She's nuts. Don't worry. I will explain everything to your teacher, Ms. K.

The day is definitely on the horizon when Sam will have to use that excuse to his teacher. Unfortunately, for Sam, I have no doubt she’s going to look at him and think, “bullshit.” But, I’ll know differently, and that’s all that really matters.

Does your dog eat your mail and homework?